Freedom

Two years he walks the earth. No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped from Atlanta. Thou shalt not return, 'cause "the West is the best." And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild. - Alexander Supertramp

I like the idea of being a leather tramp but there are so many words for it; vagabond, gypsy, wanderlust, beatnink, nomadic...They all come down to the same things; wandering and no possessions. I wish that having possessions did not mean as much in our world as it does. I think i'd like to live in a simple cabin, built from natural things, have no electricity, wood stove for warmth, candles for light, feet for travel, garden for food, no phone, no computer...just freedom.

Three Big Ones

I had a thing with a guy at the beginning of the school year, I realized pretty quickly it wasn't going anywhere nor was it healthy. However, I held on to it and tried to validate it and turn it in to something. Now that it's over (and has been for quite some time) I've realized I know have three giant insecurities because of him.

1) One-Sided Relationships
I don't just mean the dating kind, I mean friendships as well. I'm terrified of all my relationships with people becoming one-sided. That I will be the only one trying to make it work, the only one instigating conversations and planning get togethers. It's hard putting that much effort in and not getting it back and then of course you doubt what you actually mean to that person.

2) Integration
I worry that when I integrate someone into my life, I will not become a part of theirs. If someone always comes to my house, never introduces me to their friends and keeps me from their life I feel like I'm not worthwhile. This makes it easy when something ends for them to go on as if it never happened but I'm left answering questions and with a void. I do not want people to be a part of my life if they are not willing to make me a big part of theirs as well.

3) Getting to know each other
I worry that I'm the only one putting in the effort to get to know someone. If I ask questions about their life, likes and dislikes or things like that but they never ask it of me I worry they don't care. If i'm learning about someone but they are not learning about me it creates an awkward friendship.

All of these are valid concerns but I now find they're giant insecurities. You know that nagging thought in the back of your head that won't listen to logic? That's what these are. One little thing and all of a sudden I'm worried one of the above is happening. I feel damaged :/

How does he know?

I have been thinking a lot lately in how you can convince someone of what you are feeling. Sometimes it's as simple as saying "that hurt" or "I'm upset" but what to say when it runs deeper? How do you explain to someone that they completely pushed you down? That they turned from this strong and confident woman into an insecure, over thinking and doubtful one. It's hard to get across what you are experiencing to someone, especially if they have not been through it. It's not always bad emotions to get across though, there's plenty of good.

How do you explain to someone how much they mean to you? That they are becoming one of your closest friends, you trust them with everything and you can't imagine life without them anymore. Saying it is often difficult or even awkward, what if they don't return the friendship? You can try to show it, always being there for them, being loyal and honest and just trying to prove how you feel.

It goes even deeper than that though. How do you tell someone how much you love them? And even if you tell them that you've never felt like this before, that this is the best thing to ever happen to you, do they understand it on the same level as you? And then when they say it to you, are you comprehending it on the level it was intended for?

This partially spurred from: Enchanted: That's How You Know

Hitch Hiking Rant

Jess and I decided that we would hitch hike to her house at the end of the year. I need to get to Wasaga which is about 3 hours from where she is. This is the furthest we have hitch hiked and we were a little worried about making it in time.

Sackville -- Moncton
We were picked up by two girls, one from Mta, the other Smu. They had a fancy dancy suv with leather seats. Were dressed to the nines for 11 in the morning but were very friendly. They were curious about hitching because they had never done it and didn't know if they ever would.

Moncton -- Woodstock
We were picked up by Vince, a well off business man who was a little cocky. He gave us some advice on how to be able to sell ourselves and told us about his life. He had been divorced twice and pretty much has given up on love. Went in to great detail on the difference between sexuality and love. He also explained how he will date women if they are married, even if it is to a friend. He travels an extreme amount because of his job and has been to a lot of places. He used to work with the UN for the world food programme but now works for Cavendish. He was on his way to the airport to go to Puerto Rico, Costa Rica and a whole bunch of other places.

Woodstock -- Edmunston
Picked up by two guys about our age, heading to Northern NB for Easter with their grandparents. We have decided they are trying to be hipsters but have too much money to know how to do it.

Edmunston -- Port Hope
When we started the trip it was a gorgeous day, by the time we got to Edmunston it was starting to rain and very very cold. We spent about 30 minutes shivering on the side of the road, met Andrew who was hitching from Memorial to Winnipeg. We got picked up by Paul, a trucker, who was going to Sarnia. He offered us to spend the night in the cab since he has an extra bunk, that way he could take us all the way to Port Hope. We figured why not, so we drove until about 12:30 and then hit the road again at 7, stopped at 8 for breakfast and then went again.

We made the trip in 25 hours :)

Now for the rant...
Why on earth do people acknowledge hitch hikers and not pick them up?!?!? Gee thanks for waving at me! I love that you give me a thumbs up. Oh a honk! Why do that and tease us!?!?!

A Little About Me

I've been doing a lot of self-examination lately, I like some of the results but not all. I've realized that I'm actually quite naive, slightly vindictive and not always thoughtful. I'm not quick to anger but I do have a really bad temper. However, I'm very quick to forgive, almost too quick. I don't think I could hold a grudge if my life depended on it.
I feel awkward talking about myself like this though so I made a picture with things people have said about me. I really only write this blog for myself and Kyla, I doubt anyone else ever reads it so I can do whatever I want :)